History Report:

How the Dear One Won the 2012 Election for President of the Old United States Before Our Modern Age

By Howlee Dee for Ms. Relfit’s History Class

 

Long live the Dear One, may his name carry down through the ages blessed and sanctified.

______________

Long ago in 2012 YOB  (Ed note: Year Of Obama) our Dear One was only a young boy who the olden ones made to be the Dear One by the people that lived in those days. They loved him because when his evil brother chopped down a cherry tree which was a thing that lived in those days, he went and told on him. So they made him the Dear One.

His first reign over mankind was for four years and there was peace and happiness and all who knew him loved him and thanked him for contraception.

But then an evil prince, or maybe it was more than one, sought to make him not be the Dear One. They were bad! And they almost won too!

But the Dear One had a plan to fool them all and so continue to be our most beloved and best ever leader.

In October of the year 2012 YOB, our Dear One set about to create a new decree from his jeweled office. He proclaimed that everyone in the whole land would get FREE coffee because it was their right if they would follow his teachings. (And so we drink coffee to this day to honor the Dear One.)

The evil ones were made very mad and did not like this, but the Dear One stamped down his foot and said that everyone who promised to say that he would continue being the Dear One would all get free coffee, even if they were also friends of the evil ones.

So it came to pass that all of the Dear One’s friends and all of his enemies all stood up as one saying that he could keep being the Dear One because he gave them all FREE coffee.

I am glad that the Dear One won because every year on Shrelshbob which is about the same time as Christmas in the old calendar, we all get to stay home for the day and drink lots of free coffee so that we can remember the Dear One on his birthday. Sometimes we have food to eat too and a fire. We are very happy.

(Ed Note: Howlee Dee later grew up to be a famous and well trusted news correspondent for the well respected Radio Rhodesia. He passed on in 8123 AYOB. An example of his excellent reportage work is here on the ATP: Elvis and Pound Laundry)

Reference:

Encyclopædia Galactica Religious Icons of the 21st Century
Old writings of the Most Conservative Website in the United States

Ms. Relfit’s history class

Howlee Dee

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